Though, the lonely hermit crab of an optimist i keep hidden in the corners of my mind says, "but dear, the night is in fact not always dark. Take Alaska for instance..
A part of me fears telling what that realization was. For it will push those i want close to me away.
Today, in midst of conversation, i believe the words "I've never been heart broken" came out of my mouth.
A friends response; "Then you've never loved."
A sudden realization; "Will i ever be satisfied?"
Will i ever love?
REAL love.
Not the kind you see in movies, but something even stronger.
When you feel like you'd die without them.
I know im capable of infatuation. But that is temporary.
I want forever.
I want to need.
I am capable of want.
But i NEED to need.
I'd like to believe that we all fear this, or at least something of the like.
Every young girl fears she will not love, but does any young girl fear that she can only love temporarily?
Something as strong as an unseen force that has the power to pull two humans together, like magnets in the air,
something stronger than any drug,
more powerful than any mothers words,
something like love,
should not,
be temporary.
It should not be questioned, it should not be feared, it should not be thrown away like yesterdays garbage.
Sometimes i feel that i love too much, and somehow, not enough; more than what is wanted, and still, not enough. Its overwhelming and its underwhelming, its unnecessarily necessary.
It doesn't make sense.
And neither does this concept of love.
I have now gotten to a point where i do not make sense, therefore,
this blog is now coming to an end.
"All I have are the way things go
I don't know
I just don't know
Make up some simple lies
And compromise
How I live
'Cause either way I'll break your heart someday
But leaving you is the last thing on my mind
So when I go
baby kiss real slow so I don't forget my way back home
When I go"
-Augustana
And lastly,
I called my therapist yesterday, in a panic.
I said, "what if the sky fall again?"
And she said "well, what if you fall in love?"
-ASW
B.
